I am often asked “What’s the best cheeseburger you’ve eaten?” and I get stumped every time it happens. Truthfully, the best cheeseburgers are the ones my Dad and I used to grill in our backyard during the scorching hot Roseville Summer breaks. You can’t recreate those.
Often the In-N-Out Cheeseburger chain comes to mind as a close second. Gatsby’s Diner and Nationwide Freezer Meats in Sacramento, Zippy’s in West Seattle and I enjoyed Seattle’s Katsu Burger for their creative Asian fusion.
What do I look for in a good burger?
1.) SOGGY BOTTOM GIRL – The bun should be grilled, top and bottom. I prefer the bottom of the bun to be soaked in the fat/blood from the meat. I flip the burger upside down, with the traditional bottom at the top. The top, which is now the bottom should stay dry so food isn’t leaking onto my chin. The image below demonstrates how it’s done.
The bottom bun should not be the same size as the top bun, I would say it should be 1/2 the size. The top I could care less about, it’s almost useless other than keeping food off your chin. I also really appreciate a house baked bun, I can tell when a place orders the too soft Rainbow brand kind.
2.) HOT BLOODED – As you can see, a burger’s gotta feel some pain and bleed for me. I always try to order rare, but some places have these lame regulations against serving me that. There have been times when I have to settle for medium-rare.
3.) TOMMY PICKLES (Yup, a Nickelodeon reference…) – There has to be dill pickles included somewhere. Yes, it has to be dill pickles. Bread and butter pickles are way gross. I prefer pickle chips in the burger, but I will settle for a spear on the side. The exception to this rule is In-N-Out, they’re the only place who can get away with it.
4.) EAT YOUR VEGGIES – Most places serve their burgers with iceberg lettuce and it’s the only time I approve of eating this member of the family. I get pumped when a place that gets creative and serves romaine or butter lettuce (Katsu does shredded cabbage) but that’s rare. Tomatoes should be soft and flavorful, not hard. It’s tough for restaurants to offer ripe tomatoes since it’s finicky vegetable that is in season June – September, so often times I give a place a pass if the tomato is a little tough. I can live without onions, especially raw ones. If the onions are carmelized or pickled, I can go for that.
5.) YOU SAUCY MINX – I hate ketchup and mustard. Keep it away from me, I’ll freak out. I have mixed feelings on Mayonaise. I don’t run away from it like Mama June on “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child”, but I’m not in love with it either. If the Mayonaise is lightly spread on the top bun and ignored on the bottom (that bottom’s for blood!) I can deal with that. As far as special sauces, I am a huge fan of the In-N-Out Thousand Island-esque spread, in light doses. Special sauces should be very light and never distract from the meat.
So as you can see, there’s a lot that goes into what I determine makes a good cheeseburger. Now if only I put the effort of writing this blog into my homework, I would’ve been an A student…
Cliff Weimer
May guys post comments? I don't have to dress in drag or anything, right?
I don't eat beef, so it's got to be a veggie burger (hard to find in a restaurant; if you know of a good place, let me know!). Best turkey burgers, easily, are Burgers & Brew. Jack cheese is my preference. And kissing a girl who's been eating bacon? No. Leave it off your cheeseburger. That goes without saying. Thanks. Great blog!
Julianne
You won't kiss a girl who's been eating bacon? *sigh* I guess we don't have a chance…
Tiffany
Veggie burgers are almost always tragic but in college I discovered the perfect alternative: In-N-Out's "Grilled Cheese Animal Style"! It's basically a cheeseburger with all the fixin's and no patty but the "Animal Style" part adds pickles, extra spread and grilled onions instead of raw. Totally crave-worthy and a delicious veggie fast food fix!
Julianne
^ I agree with Tiffany and Cliff – There is a veggie burger I love and it will get reviewed soon my friend!
Cliff Weimer
Nice to know, thank you. I have never been into an In-and-Out Burger; I was unaware they served anything non-meat-eaters could devour. Good to know. And yeah, while I do tend to be pretty lenient overall, I don't like kissing women who've eaten pork or who smoke. I also don't kiss Yankees fans, which is just as bad, in my opinion.